Books by Mark Goulston
Just Listen is the Mark Goulston book in our library. It is the most specific book in the bundle: not how to communicate well in general, but what to do when the other person has already stopped listening, which is the situation most advice ignores.
That makes it the repair manual rather than the maintenance one. The argument is that you cannot talk your way past someone who has decided you are not worth hearing, so the first move is to demonstrate that you have understood their position, even if you disagree with it entirely.
How to read it. Read it with a specific stalled relationship in mind, because the techniques are aimed at a situation rather than at general skill.
It sits in the Communication Skills bundle as the one book written for the case where the other person is already upset. The others assume a willing listener; this one does not.
The book
Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone
Mark GoulstonThe difficult half of communication: a person who has decided you are not worth listening to. The argument is that you have to demonstrate understanding before you have any chance of being heard, and that the sequence matters more than the wording.
What it argues- You cannot be heard by someone who believes you have not understood them.
- Demonstrate understanding first, and disagree afterwards rather than during.
- People in a strong emotional state cannot process content, so address the state first.
- Ask what the situation looks like from where they are standing, then actually listen to the answer.
- The repair usually starts with agreement on something small and specific.
Suited to someone dealing with a specific relationship that has gone wrong rather than to general skill building. Not the first book to read in this bundle if conversations are broadly fine.
Where to start
Read it with one stalled relationship in mind. The first move the book describes, showing the other person that you understand their position before you argue yours, is worth trying on its own before you read the rest of the method. Most people find the technique harder than it reads, which is the point: the difficulty is in the doing rather than in the understanding.
Where this fits
This handles the case the other communication books assume away. Carnegie gives you principles that work with willing people, Headlee fixes your own listening, and this one is for when the other person has already stopped listening to you. Read it after the other two, and read it as the repair manual rather than as an introduction. The technique looks simple on the page and is difficult in the moment, so practise it on a small disagreement before you take it into a large one.
The rest of this shelf
The Communication Skills shelf holds 5 books in total. These are the others, each condensed into a guide you can finish in about 15 minutes:
- We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter by Celeste Headlee
- The Art of Public Speaking by Dale Carnegie and Joseph Berg Esenwein
- Five Stars: The Communication Secrets to Get from Good to Great by Carmine Gallo
- The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh
The five-book communication set
Just Listen is in the Communication Skills bundle with We Need to Talk, The Art of Public Speaking, Five Stars and The Art of Communicating.
Five complete guides, about 15 minutes each.
Explore Communication SkillsShow you understand before you try to be heard.